19 October 2020
I received the following email in response to my article, 5 Reasons to Think Twice Before Taking An Antidepressant. I have never met the writer, but she kindly gave me permission to share her email, in hopes that her story would give hope to other people who are still trapped in the hell that she has pulled herself out of, step by painful step.
She wishes to remain anonymous, but I hope that if the heartfelt words of this brave, resilient, indomitable person move you as they did me, you will send her a message in the Comments section below.
Hi Robyn,
I enjoy the newsletters you send, and find them interesting and informative, but this one moved me to write to you. I am so glad you are getting this information out there.
I was on antidepressants continuously for 23 years. For 15 of those years I was also continuously on antipsychotics. I have tried many different types and brands over the years under the ‘care’ of my psychiatrists at the time. I know these people were doing their best and genuinely thought they were helping me.I was given the talk many times about how my brain didn’t produce the right chemicals (stupid brain) but fortunately these drugs had been invented to address the problem. It’s like being shortsighted. It’s just how your eyes are. All you can do is correct it with glasses. Antidepressants are like glasses for your brain.
For years I accepted this narrative, but I always had a niggle of doubt. I remember reading the information that comes with the packet of medication that says that the drug is ‘thought to work’ by doing whatever. I wondered then if anyone really knew if or how antidepressants worked or if they were just throwing darts in the dark.
However, I was very depressed. I tried counselling and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which were both useful, but I remained very depressed, and as I got older I experienced psychotic symptoms. Medication did not make me ‘happy’ or stop me being depressed, but it took the edge off, stopped me feeling suicidal, helped me function and got rid of the psychotic symptoms. In that way it was vital, and I can’t really say all antidepressant medicines are completely bad because they probably saved my life many times over.
But after being on them so long they were taking a toll on my body. My muscles were becoming increasingly stiff and hard and painful, even though I did stretching every morning and evening. I had tremors that were embarrassing and made it hard to do things. I was becoming forgetful and less mentally sharp and started having severe anxiety and panic attacks that I felt sure was a result of the medication, not the depression. I was tired of all the different side effects and juggling medication all the time and wanted to be free of it. I started meditating regularly and set myself the goal of either eliminating, or at least reducing, my medications.
One day I was googling and came across a sentence that changed my life. It said something to the effect that it is not clear whether faulty brain chemistry is the cause of depression or the result of depression. Suddenly I could see that if the latter were true, it would make sense that it would be possible to get off the medication.
That’s why I cheered to see this article you sent out, because it showed research demonstrating that the brain chemistry narrative is backwards, and this is what people need to know.
About five years ago I decided to find a way to stop being depressed, get my brain chemistry back to normal and kick the medication. My psychiatrist and psychologist were not at all supportive of this aim. I was just told over and over that because my problems were severe that I had to just accept the fact I needed to take medication for the rest of my life. They didn’t suggest anything I could do other than chug pills.
I still believed I could get off the medications, and kept on meditating and having energy healings and doing energy healings on myself. I started modifying my diet because it felt like the right thing to do. I later discovered there is a wealth of information out there about the effects of diet on mood and mental health. I am staggered that this information is regarded as fringe and alternative by doctors, and many people in general.
Because my psychiatrist didn’t agree I should get off medication, I tapered myself off carefully. I had a bit of a rocky road. Because the medications had kept my emotions suppressed for so many years, I was exploding in anger at everyone for about six months. I was pretty sure it would pass once it was out of my system, and thankfully it did. I could see how my entire personality had been altered by the drugs, as it slowly shifted back to what felt more like my authentic self.
Coming off the antipsychotics was a delicate operation. I didn’t expect that I would be able to or that I should even make it a goal to do so. I stayed on them on a low dose for a couple of years, and then took them occasionally as needed for a while. I kept a journal to monitor myself and also asked my mother and a couple of friends to tell me when I seemed like I was getting weird. Eventually I stopped needing antipsychotics. I practice a lot of self-care though, and try not to expose myself to stress or becoming too tired, as that will start problems up again. I can’t really live a ‘normal’ life, but that’s fine.
Doctors insist that these drugs don’t cause weight gain or make it hard to lose weight. I also was obese and had tried earnestly to lose weight with little success, but after I stopped taking medication I lost 15 kilos without making any effort to do so. I was pretty sure at the time the drugs were interfering with my weight loss, but thought I’d rather be fat than out of control of my mind. That was a fair enough decision, but I was surprised at how the weight fell off as soon as I stopped taking them. I have spoken to a few other people who had a similar experience.
I’m not 100% against antidepressants but I can see them being overprescribed and agree with you that normal human states are becoming medicalized and given a diagnosis and accompanying prescription. I don’t think people are warned about the long term side effects either when they start – possibly because the drugs are relatively new and no-one knows what the long term effects are. I am also perplexed at the lack of discussion around the role food plays in human health. I have rarely had a conventional GP or specialist say anything meaningful to me about diet. I even went to a dietician who assured me that drinking diet soft drink was fine.I have been completely off antidepressants and antipsychotics for about 3 and a half years now. My body still is throwing out the effects of the long-term medication and my muscles are only just beginning to soften up now. I naively expected my psychiatrist would be curious about what I had done in case it might help his other patients, but I was wrong. He dismissed my efforts and decided my recovery was a ‘mystery.’
Sorry this letter got so long and rambly. I just wanted to thank you for circulating such useful information on all the topics you cover, and let you know your efforts are appreciated.
By the way, I was also very encouraged by some articles you sent a while back about bone loss, bone scans, calcium and stuff. People’s eyes boggle in horror when they find out I don’t eat dairy and it’s good to have some data to back up my decision. Kicking dairy was the best thing I’ve ever done – along with the antidepressants.
Cheers
[Name withheld by request]
As I replied to the writer of this heartwrenching yet ultimately uplifting email, human suffering is real, and those who are suffering need and deserve caring and skilled help.
But psychiatry, in its current manifestation, is a lie. More than that, it is a Big Lie – that is, a propaganda technique, which, as described by Adolf Hitler in Mein Kampf, consists of the use of a lie so “colossal” that no one would believe that someone “could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously”.
There is not now, and has never been, the slightest shred of evidence that anxiety, depression, ADHD, schizophrenia or any mental disorder are due to ‘biochemical imbalances in the brain’. In fact, every attempt to find evidence for such theories has ended in abject failure, as Robert Whitaker documents meticulously in his must-read book Anatomy of an Epidemic.
The solution to human suffering lies not in medicalising that suffering and distorting thoughts and feelings with chemicals, but in recognising and comprehensively addressing the roots of that suffering, as the writer of this email has done.
If you are still wrestling with the demons that kept her in hell for so long, I hope her story, and her ultimate triumph, inspires you and infuses you with both hope and conviction – hope that there is a better life that’s waiting for you, and conviction that there is nothing wrong with your brain; but there is something wrong with your life, and your suffering is calling on you to fix it.
Important note: if you are currently taking antidepressants, you should not abruptly stop taking them, as a ‘discontinuation/withdrawal syndrome’ may occur, including symptoms such as dizziness, electric shock-like sensations, sweating, nausea, insomnia, tremor, confusion, nightmares, and vertigo, as well as a return of the depression symptoms. Gradual withdrawal under the supervision of a knowledgable doctor is required, and only after implementing the advice given in Bringing your black dog to heel.
4 Comments
becoming.1self
19/10/2020Thank you so much to this courageous person for sharing her story. It sounds as though you made some helpful lifestyle choices and I know how difficult that can be, so well done!!
And thank you to you Robyn for writing the original article. Hopefully more eyes are opened to the dangers and lack of efficacy of these drugs.
I’ve managed to taper and cease an atypical antipsychotic in the past year or so. The advice I received from you Robyn and online peer groups helped with this. Also the book Psychiatric Drug Withdrawal by Dr Peter Breggin (which you recommended Robyn) was helpful. Thank you!
The antidepressant clomipramine is now at 25mg and I am hoping to have it compounded for the next stage of tapering.
I’ve been on these psychotropics myself for the past 19-20years (since age 16) plus up until 2-3 years ago, rTMS and ECT thrown in there and even experimental ketamine. My psychiatrists have known my history of trauma from recurrent childhood sexual abuse, and yet it was like only my (amazing) psychologist addressed that. I spent long periods of time in hospital – often in there more than at home. I received different labels from different doctors I saw (including schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder) but really it was my psychologist I trusted enough to understand what was going on. She said I was experiencing a trauma response and that Complex PTSD and Dissociative Identity Disorder were more likely. Two psychiatrists I had seen initially in my teens had actually diagnosed DID in my initial treatment years – it is a controversial diagnosis as it is.
I still don’t like being pigeon-holed though, with labels. I think this is because they are considered ‘mental illnesses’ and I question the existence of such a thing. I do understand that it helps some to receive a diagnostic label, although I think this is only initially. I worry some people resign themselves to that label and it becomes a huge part of their identity…in turn this can make recovery less attainable because they believe the illness is lifelong. I refer to my own experience as a trauma response – even though I relate to some diagnostic criteria of CPTSD and DID – as this is what it is, a trauma response, not a mental illness. Medicalising trauma and responses to adverse life experiences seems so strange to me. My psychologist agrees.
The hospital stays kept me safe and I don’t begrudge that as I can see it served it’s purpose in that way. What I am upset, frustrated and disappointed about is that long term drugs were prescribed when I never saw a benefit from any of them. I was helped by some medication – short term sedating drugs (benzodiazepines and typical antipsychotics) when I needed them (PRN). I used these daily in hospital and upon discharge extremely rarely (now not at all). Thankfully I never had a problem ceasing benzodiazepines. Why was I kept on long term drugs (including so called antidepressants, antipsychotics, mood stabilisers, stimulants over the years – yep, I experienced them all) which showed no benefit to me? The number of times these were changed to different variants of the same class of drug surely should have been an indicator of their uselessness for me? I guess the psychiatrists were treating my ‘symptoms’ within the framework of a ‘diagnosis’, and not treating me as a individual.
Looking back I wonder whether drug effects were actually to blame for a lot of my suffering. I wonder how much of my agitation, suicidal ideation and intent was drug related as I have not been suicidal once since ceasing the antipsychotic and decreasing the antidepressant!
At the time, I initially had thought ECT worked for me. I had almost immediate kind of euphoric response to it which I now know can be related to damage to the frontal lobe. The deep depression seemed to dissipate (until not long after the course was completed).
Years later, my brain no longer functions as it used to and I don’t know how much of that is due to ECT and how much is due to drugs. I had at least 3 courses of 12 ECTs (effect of ECT = poor memory, so I can’t be sure how many courses I received I suspect more than this as I also had ‘maintenance ECT’ at some points and I’m being conservative in my estimation of courses). It got to a point where I couldn’t speak coherently and I said no more! I was actually so affected that it was a fellow patient and friend who was concerned for my wellbeing who initiated this request – I was incapacitated to an extent (yes, brain injury is my understanding of this). My speech came back over time however I still have trouble vocalising thoughts and forming sentences. My memory is poor.
Although I enjoy learning about health, wellness and nutrition, I don’t retain the information well enough to be able to share and express it to others. It is as though I understand it in my own mind, yet cannot share it.
No support was offered in rehabilitating from this. No neurological tests or imaging were done before or after ECT.
The turning point for me completely leaving psychiatry came in March this year. The psychiatrist I had been seeing since July 2019 was friendly and kind. She supported me coming off the drugs (although her tapering schedule was not realistic as far as the avoidance of adverse withdrawal effects and I did not adhere to it). She had access to some past hospital notes as I had been an inpatient there a couple of times. She asked me about my friends whom I had previously talked about and whether I had seen them lately. I explained they hadn’t been feeling 100 percent themselves and that I hadn’t seen them in a while. Her response kind of surprised me, she asked me if that brought up feelings of abandonment, and even mentioned BPD in there somewhere, a label which I’ve never believed I had and never mentioned to her (however would have been in the hospital notes). I do not have a overarching fear of abandonment and I do not have unstable relationships. It confirmed for me then and there that psychiatrists often failed to treat human experiences and instead treated the supposed illness as though it weren’t subjective (I didn’t talk to her about this, though I may write to her at some point). I had been leaning away from psychiatry prior and my aim was to taper the drugs and then no longer see a psychiatrist. At the end of the session she said I could decide when to see her next and I haven’t been back. She was nice, I’m sure she meant well, but it isn’t helpful for me. I’m lucky to have a GP who can assist with the rest of the taper and a very supportive psychologist. I also know you are there Robyn for lifestyle support 😊
Sorry, have written a whole chapter here…I’m sure I could write a novel 😋
Robyn Chuter
19/10/2020Thank you so much for sharing your story. I completely agree with you that psychiatry pathologises human experience, applying diagnostic labels to suffering rather than acknowledging that we suffer because we love, we care, and we get hurt. It’s beyond shocking that your history of childhood trauma was ignored in favour of labelling you with so-called mental illness. I’m so thrilled that you have been able to discontinue the atypical antipsychotic. These drugs are shockingly overused and are particularly dangerous to young brains that are still developing.
It’s a long, slow path to recovery from the effects of psychiatric treatments, but you are strong and courageous, and I know you’ll keep at it.
Much respect xxx
Robyn
Aj
27/07/2022Wow! some great real life insights here. Thank you so much people for sharing your knowledge. I watched my sisters slow demise into living hell under the so called care of her psychiatrist. The prescribed drugs made her worse and sadly when she tried to come off those drugs she believed her mental health status was returning when in fact what she was experiencing was drug
withdrawel symptoms. Sadly like your previouse writer, a person who was supposed to care for her did nothing but get her addicted to prescription drugs. Her issues were childhood trauma but that was never addressed.
Robyn Chuter
27/07/2022So sorry to learn of the tragedy that befell your sister. The victims of this decades-long fraud are uncountable.
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