Have you ever felt frustrated that you’re not achieving what you know you’re truly capable of? Or do you find yourself doubting that you really are capable, even when others tell you that you are, or when you’re surrounded by evidence of your own ability?
Most of us have, at some stage! If this is a recurring pattern in your life, I’d be willing to bet money that your earlier life experiences have installed beliefs in you that are undermining your current success. These beliefs generate recurring thoughts (such as ‘I’ll never get anywhere’; ‘It’s too hard’; ‘I don’t deserve success’) and persistent mood states such as depression and anxiety.
Here’s what happened when a client of mine, whom I’ll call Kathleen, got in touch with the source of her recurring sense of powerlessness in the face of setbacks.
Kathleen is a life-long high achiever with a multitude of talents, which she is able to recognise. But whenever she faces some kind of adversity – be it a rejection slip for a manuscript she’s written, or dissent with colleagues – she plunges into a paralysing state of helplessness. She has also been plagued throughout her life by bouts of depression, which according to psychologist Martin Seligman, is linked to learned helplessness – “a perceived absence of control over the outcome of a situation” (1).
I asked Kathleen to tune into the physical experience of that feeling of helplessness and powerlessness in her body, and then let her mind roam over earlier experiences of that feeling.
Accessing our body memories of early life incidents is very powerful, because some of our most formative experiences occur when we are pre-verbal, or too young to fully articulate our experiences in words. But the body remembers what it felt like to have that experience, and that feeling becomes ‘locked in’, just waiting to be triggered by current experiences, until we find a way to release it.
It took Kathleen no time at all to access a memory of herself, aged about 6, standing at the front window of her home, enduring the agonising wait for her mother to arrive home from work and stop the daily physical and emotional torment that her older brother dished out to her.
Kathleen had already learnt that telling her parents about how her brother punched, teased, insulted and otherwise abused her when they weren’t there, was futile, so she didn’t even bother. She just waited, feeling utterly hopeless and helpless. This was the feeling that had dogged her all her life when challenges confronted her.
We did some very intense EFT on that feeling in her body, and the emotions she had about the situation now, until the feelings began to dissipate. Then I asked Kathleen to picture her adult self entering the scene, and doing EFT on her younger self (‘Kitty’) to help Kitty release her feelings of impotent anger, frustration and abandonment.
Once Kitty was calm, I asked Kathleen to find out what Kitty needed in order to help her feel safe. Again, the response was immediate: Kitty wanted to go across the street to her friend’s house, where she she always felt safe and cared for by her friend and her friend’s close-knit family. So, in her imagination, Kathleen walked Kitty across the street, calling out to her brother along the way that he had no power over Kitty anymore, because she, Kathleen, was here to protect her!
Kathleen was visibly transformed by this process. She felt enormously empowered by the experience of having been able to help her younger self. A few days later, she related by email,
“Those EFT exercises were amazing and I still find myself mentally walking Kitty across the road when my mind wanders onto matters that make me feel helpless.”
She also told me that she had noticed that when stressful situations occurred at work, she could now ‘hear’ a soothing inner voice – like a nurturing parent – acknowledging her distress, and reassuring her that after a good night’s sleep she would feel alright again.
It’s important to note that Kathleen didn’t experience some kind of seismic shift after this session; rather, she noticed subtle but very significant changes in the way she responded to stress. Instead of spiralling downward into her customary helpless state, she was able to place the incident into its proper context and move on!
Kathleen and I know she still has a lot of old ‘stuff’ to process before she can really get out of her own way and fulfill her potential for happiness, inner peace and success. But what a start she’s made! Finding our own place of safety and strength inside frees us from the neurotic drive to seek reassurance outside ourselves, through chasing others’ approval of us, or trying to acquire possessions or rack up achievements in the vain hope they’ll make us feel secure.
Leave A Response