Using hostile words in an argument isn’t just bad for your relationship, it’s bad for your health – and your partner’s too!
But choosing the right words can end the conflict sooner, and reduce the levels of body chemicals that promote cancer, heart disease, type 2 diabetes and arthritis, in both of you.
Every couple argues from time to time. But there’s a dramatic contrast between having a difference of opinion which you manage relatively calmly and rationally, vs. a fight characterised by hostility, put-downs and point-blank refusal to listen to each other.
Researchers have found that those inflammatory words also cause levels of inflammatory chemicals called cytokines, including interleukin-6 and tumor necrosis factor-alpha, to rise, in both partners. High levels of these cytokines are linked with increased risk of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, arthritis and some cancers.
Psychologist Jennifer Graham, at Pennsylvania State University, has studied in-depth the words used by couples when they fight. Her findings are fascinating: choosing words that reflect thoughtfulness, or rationality, or perhaps just caring, can reduce the increase in these disease-promoting cytokines that occurs during an argument.
Using words like ‘think’, ‘because’, ‘reason’ and ‘why’ (but never ask your partner ‘why’ – it drives people crazy!!!), helps you process and make sense of the conflict, Graham suggests. It also allows you to state your case fully, reducing the risk that you’ll ruminate about the conflict afterward – which is very stress-producing!
Interestingly, Graham found that when women use thoughtful words, they not only limit the rise in their own cytokine levels, but also in the man’s. But the converse isn’t true: men’s thoughtful words benefit their own cytokine levels but not their partner’s.
(In my experience, women benefit more from having their partner express an understanding of their feelings, before they move on to exploring the reasons for the conflict.)
OK, so now you know you really shouldn’t call your partner a stubborn SOB next time you argue. But how can you learn to get back in charge of your escalating emotions so that you’re able to turn a fight into a constructive discussion?
The two major tools I use, both personally and professionally, are EFT, and the skills taught in the Couple Communication Program, which I teach as an integral part of all the couples counselling I do.
EFT allows you to rapidly process and release your strong feelings, and also facilitates insights into what’s driving the conflict. Often, as you tap on your anger, frustration, irritation and hatred, you become aware that other, deeper feelings are lurking beneath those surface ones: fear of rejection, loneliness, a deep sense of unworthiness and so on.
Time after time, as I’ve used EFT to work through couples’ conflicts, one or both partners has suddenly realised that they only lashed out at their partner for coming home late, or chatting with that other man/woman, because their own insecurity made them afraid they weren’t ‘good enough’ for their partner to stay faithful to them. Or the husband unwittingly keeps pushing a button that the wife’s mother or father ‘installed’, when she was just a little girl.
EFT is perfect for resolving these personal issues that get in the way of relating fully with your partner.
The Couple Communication Program teaches vital talking and listening skills that deepen and strengthen the bond between you. It also provides a very useful framework for conflict resolution.
As one of my client couples put it,
“Learning how to use EFT to calm down, and doing the Couple Communication Program with you, saved our marriage! We fight much less often now, and we’re usually able to resolve the conflict quickly and get close to each other again, rather than having bad feelings linger for days like we used to.”
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