Have you ever felt frustrated because you really want to do something – achieve a goal, break a bad habit, finish that job around the house or yard – but you just can’t seem to get started? You may be being sabotaged by your Inner Teenage Rebel.
Two clients I saw this week came in with frustration that they had set themselves goals which had clear and meaningful benefits and no obvious downsides – yet both were struggling to commit to taking the steps to achieving their goals. I often use the concept of ‘parts’ when working with my clients.
I explained that we have many different parts within us; some of these parts are vestiges of ourselves at earlier stages of our development; some represent our internalisation of the beliefs of other people who were significant to us when we were growing up; some developed in response to trauma of various kinds.
Because of their diverse origins and level of emotional and cognitive development, our parts often pull in opposite directions. That’s when we find ourselves inexplicably self-sabotaging: procrastinating, showing up late, doing the opposite of what we planned to do, making lists but not getting started…
As we got into the EFT work, both of my two clients, whom I’ll call Bernadette and Lara, spontaneously identified the part that was sabotaging them as their teenage self. Both had been raised in very strict and controlling families, and both rebelled and went a little crazy when they hit their teens and could no longer be restricted by their parents!
Having been controlled to within an inch of their lives, both seized the opportunity for freedom with both hands; and at that stage, the way freedom looked to them was being able to do anything you wanted, any time you wanted – even if it wasn’t necessarily in your best interests in the long term.
This is, of course, pretty typical teenage behaviour. Teens are notorious for taking what looks to adults like ridiculously stupid risks. They have trouble assessing the potential consequences of their behaviour. They have almost no capacity to think about their long-term future. And they frequently refuse on principle to do what they’re asked, even if in doing so they will miss out on something they really want (my mother always called this ‘cutting off your own nose to spite your face).
While this is understandable (although maddening) behaviour in teens, it isn’t any way to run your life as an adult. And that was the problem confronting Bernadette and Lara.
Bernadette’s goal was to get back to the gym so she could be in good shape for an upcoming beach holiday. She knew the benefits of exercise; knew she would enjoy it once she got into it; was looking forward to catching up with her friends at the gym; couldn’t wait to see and feel the positive changes in her appearance, fitness, strength and endurance… but she just couldn’t get herself out of bed early in the morning to go to the gym.
Every morning, her Inner Teenage Rebel would scream “I don’t wanna and you can’t make me!” Bernadette was annoyed and irritated at this part of her, which she felt had stood in the way of achieving many other goals throughout her life. But she could also understand why ‘she’ felt and behaved this way.
Lara had made dramatic improvements to her eating habits, had overcome her junk food cravings and was feeling like she really had this healthy eating thing under control – until she came down with a bad cold. Feeling utterly lousy, she suddenly started craving the sweet, starchy comfort foods that had been her ‘old friends’ for most of her life.
With her ‘adult self’ knocked out by feeling unwell, her Inner Teenage Rebel felt as if she was ‘off the leash’ and could do whatever she wanted. But the more biscuits and white bread Lara ate, the less healthy food she wanted to eat. Having been through this cycle before, she wanted to put down the inner rebellion as quickly as possible and get back on track!
With Bernadette, I worked on a specific memory that popped up, of a time when her father had prevented her from going to the school disco. She felt enormous frustration, resentment, disappointment and anger at her dad for the way he had just refused to let her go, rather than discussing it with her.
These emotions are fuel for the fire in the Inner Teenage Rebel, and after discharging them she started to feel some compassion for her dad as he was then and is now, and also some understanding of why he may have behaved the way he did.
Several days later, Bernadette told me she’d been able to speak to her dad on the phone without getting overwhelmed by frustration and annoyance with him as she so often did. Bernadette also realised that reaching peace with her own Inner Teenage Rebel was key to handling her own teenage daughter’s rebellious behaviour.
With Lara, I decided to engage her Inner Teenage Rebel directly. Lara identified some very positive attributes of this teenage part of her: she felt it kept her young and enabled her to connect with her own teenage children.
While tapping, I had Lara announce to her Inner Teenage Rebel that she would be allowed to stay in charge of having fun, choosing clothes and music, and interacting with the kids – but henceforth she was relieved of any duties in regards to making food choices and deciding when to do the housework!
Lara felt a strong sense that her adult and teen selves had made a good deal that would hold, and she left with confidence that she could get back on track with her healthy eating. She related a few days later that after the session, she had decided to clean out her handbag AND she had cleaned the bathroom – something teen Lara would never have thought of doing!
The crucial point to realise about our inner ‘parts’ is that they are not out to get us! They actually have our best interests at heart, but because many of them are ‘stuck’ at a developmental level below where we are now, their opinion about what is best for us, is not necessarily reliable.
You wouldn’t leave a decision about what job you should take, where to live, or how to invest your retirement savings, in the hands of a teenager because they’re just not equipped to make decisions like that – they lack the necessary life experience and cognitive maturity. Yet many people’s day-to-day-decisions, which cumulatively may have an enormous impact on their lives, are unconsciously made for them by their Inner Teenage Rebel!
As Lara realised, her inner teen had some very valuable characteristics which she didn’t want to lose. Using EFT, she was able to integrate these characteristics into her adult self, so she could have access to them when she chose, but would not be railroaded by that Inner Teen when faced with a decision that required adult abilities and experience.
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[…] lives in ways we don’t fully comprehend. In fact, our inner teen is capable of sabotaging us. Robyn Chuter, a naturopath and counsellor specializing in EFT, found that clients with parents who were excessively controlling subconsciously allow the […]
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