I bet that title got your attention! After all, what could possibly be healing about anger? Isn’t it always described as a ‘negative emotion’ – something we should let go of as quickly as possible, so it doesn’t harm us and our relationships? Chronically angry people are unpleasant to be around, and there is compelling research suggesting that they are at higher risk of heart disease.
Yet anger is a normal part of human life – an emotion we all feel from time to time. What are its gifts, and how can we receive them while avoiding the harm?
In my experience, anger, when it is properly worked through (neither suppressed, nor vented in the traditional way, nor acted out) holds the possibility of one of the most healing gifts of all – the breakthrough moment in which the barriers between us and others melt away, and we are able to walk in another’s shoes, see the world from their point of view, have compassion for their struggles, and just love them as they are.
It is possible, of course, to have such wonderful experiences without first being angry, but the sheer power and propulsive force of anger seems to makes them more likely to arise once that anger has been worked through.
‘Elaine’, whom I saw recently, provides a perfect example. She wanted to work on her residual feelings about an argument she had had the previous day with her husband. She was still furious at him for not giving her credit for the work she had done on a project they were both involved in. She had put in long hours and loads of effort, and the end result was outstanding.
But instead of a thank-you, her husband told her she didn’t need to put in all that work, as he could have done it himself. Elaine was angry because she felt so put-down and dismissed by him.
We started tapping on Elaine’s anger at her husband, and some fairly choice language came out! By the end of one round though, she was finding it difficult to express anger at him, because it had largely dissolved.
What came up next for Elaine, was the thought that her family of origin had always demanded perfection of her (and she had always tried to deliver) but they had never given her credit for anything she achieved. More tapping and plenty more expletives followed.
After a few rounds of tapping, Elaine felt much more peaceful about those early life experiences, and her feelings about her husband had entirely shifted. She expressed compassionate understanding of the place his reaction had emerged from: in his eyes, the fact that she had taken over the project was a vote of no confidence in him. She told me that she couldn’t wait to phone him and clear the air after our session finished.
In my EFT work there have been countless times when I have led a tapping session with an irate client in high dudgeon at some wrong done to them by another person. I encourage the client to really get into it and have a fine ol’ rant:
“How dare he do that to me!”
“I can’t believe what a [insert expletive of choice] she is!”
“I’m never going to forgive them because they don’t deserve it.”
Almost inevitably, at some point clients’ anger toward the ‘other’ dissolves away, and they start to express anger at themselves:
“I let him walk all over me.”
“I despise myself for being so weak.”
“Why can’t I ever stand up for myself?”
After we tap on that feeling and the memories associated with it, it very often happens that their attitude toward the ‘other’ undergoes a dramatic shift. Suddenly my clients see this person they have been demonising and blaming, as a flawed, fragile, vulnerable human being, with a history that perhaps explains their behaviour; unmet needs that they struggle with every day; and a desire to be happy – a person just like themselves!
The strangling cord of anger is released, and forgiveness of themselves and the other person spontaneously arises.
This is the healing gift of anger: that through owning our anger, allowing ourselves to dive right into it, and then tapping our way through it, we open our hearts to the deepest level of connection with each other. Not only do we free ourselves of the toxic burden of anger; we free up our relationships to become richer and deeper.
This is what Elaine told me in an email a couple of days after the session:
“We are planning time to discuss the real issue that occurred on the weekend that led to the big fight, but we know that we can discuss it (when we are both in the same room!) without the performance anxiety & perceived judgement. What a release…& [her husband] needn’t be on tenterhooks so much either.
Can’t wait to learn more & make [EFT] an integral part of my every day.”
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