Are you sabotaging your success with the wrong kind of praise?

What could possibly be wrong with praise? It makes us feel good, improves our self-esteem and motivates us to achieve more, right? Well, not exactly… It all depends on what kind of praise.

Research on children in the US (1) has shown that the right kind of praise helps kids develop attitudes and skills that we all need in order to rise to the challenges we face throughout life, while the wrong kind of praise has the opposite effect, causing kids to fold in the face of setbacks.

As adults, we can apply these findings not just to our children but to ourselves: how we speak to ourselves as we undertake tasks, encounter difficulties and realise our goals (whether they be health, career, financial, relationship or any other kind of goal), can either propel us into greater success, or hold us back from achieving what we want.

The US study involved videotaping parents interacting with their children in their homes, while the children undertook a variety of everyday tasks that presented some degree of challenge. Each child was filmed 3 times, beginning when they were 1 year old, and repeating at 2 and 3 years of age.

The researchers then analysed the recordings to determine how often parents used 2 distinct types of praise: process praise and person praise.

Process praise involves commenting on the effort applied by the person undertaking the task, and the qualities they demonstrated in its execution.

For example, when a child finally succeeds, after making many attempts, in building a tower of blocks that doesn’t fall down, a parent might say

“Wow, you really kept at it when you were building that tower! Your co-ordination is getting better and better, and you managed to keep going even though you were feeling frustrated. That’s what’s called ‘persistence’.”

(By the way, if you’re worried that you might be talking over your child’s head, don’t be – children are highly motivated to expand their vocabulary in situations like this!)

Person praise involves praising the individual, not their efforts. A parent using person praise in the block tower scenario, might say

“You’re so clever – you’ll be a famous architect one day!”

The researchers then followed up five years later, when the children were 7-8 years old, to assess

  • Whether the child preferred easy tasks and was reluctant to step up to more challenging tasks, vs enjoying a challenge;
  • If the child gave up when faced with setbacks, vs showing persistence; and
  • If the child believed that intelligence and personality traits were fixed, vs able to be developed.

So, what did they find?

The results showed that when parents favour process praise, their children have a more positive attitude to challenging tasks, are more creative in thinking up strategies to overcome setbacks, and believe their intelligence and personality can improve with effort rather than being fixed at a certain predetermined level.

Conversely, receiving more person praise actually handicaps children when it comes to facing challenges, by making them believe that if they can’t do something difficult, it’s because they aren’t smart enough – and there’s nothing they can do about it.

And how does this apply to me, as an adult?

Whether you realise it or not, you’re talking to yourself every minute of the day! If that self-talk is negative and critical, you’re far less likely to succeed, and even if you do, you probably won’t enjoy your success much, and you won’t be able to leverage that success to propel yourself easily into even more success.

If you’ve read a few self-help books, you’ve probably already realised this, and may have attempted to talk to yourself in more supportive ways. That’s great, but if you’ve only been using person praise, then you’re missing out on the huge benefits of positive self-talk!

To use an example that I share with participants in my The LEAN Program, my intensive mind-body makeover for overcoming emotional eating, food addiction and poor body image, compare these 2 examples of self-praise:

“I’m a great person”

vs

“I’m so proud of myself for the persistence I’ve shown with implementing my diet and lifestyle plan. I’ve demonstrated resourcefulness and creativity in overcoming the challenges I’ve faced, and I totally deserve the success I’ve earned!”

Which one inspires you to believe in yourself, and your ability to achieve your goals? It’s a no-brainer, isn’t it! Yet so many people struggle to give themselves the gift of any kind of praise at all, let alone this highly effective kind of praise.

That’s why I use EFT with my clients, to help them overcome blocks to being able to effectively acknowledge their abilities and qualities so they can reinvest the capital they build up through overcoming everyday obstacles, into achieving even more success.

I did an EFT session on this issue with one of The LEAN Program participants, whom I’ll call Alexa. She shared her experience with me afterward:

“After the session, I’ve had more opportunity to take a look at how I reward and/or praise myself and came to a startling realization. Usually after a project, assignment or job is completed I’m not satisfied (due to impossible-to-meet standards) and I feel angry, unworthy, dissatisfied and/or ashamed and under the guise of ‘rewarding’ myself with food what I was actually doing was stuffing my emotions down with food and using food to punish myself by continuing to be fat, unhealthy etc.

The day after our webinar I completed a project that had been dragging on for 3 weeks. And the day after I felt absolutely AWFUL; moody, irritable and generally a grump. And it was because of this epiphany, I could now see where all these negative emotions were coming from and how skewed and unhealthy they were. I tapped on this, had a good cry, ate as I would normally and dragged myself to the hair salon to get my hair done as a reward for finishing the project. It wasn’t easy, and it’s still there but now I know what I’m dealing with and how to deal with it!”


For full details of The LEAN Program and how it can transform your relationship with food, your body and yourself, just click here.

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